Cut the Shit

What’s BIG in ‘06

Cuz if Joe says it’s big, you betta believe it’s big. Like, hard, erect, pulsating, kind of big. Eat it up folks! Eat. It. Up.

I am an AVID reader of Entertainment Weekly and it is a COLD day in hell-O (operator) when I actually find something I don’t agree with. For example…Jason Mraz’s album Mr. A-Z was on their “10 Worst Albums of 2005” list and it CLEARLY was not. If Ashley Simpson didn’t make the list, surely you don’t put my boy Razzie on there. But I digress…I’m always digressing. I should calm down a bit in ’06. So, in accordance with Joe and fully supported by EW articles, I give you my listing.

First things first…if you are not watching Bravo’s hit reality series Project Runway, I just don’t know what to say to you. I’ve given the “Runway” a shout out in this journal before and there is clearly no reason why you aren’t tuning in. The show is snarky and fun and full of fashion ridiculousness. The casting is genius, so you’re watching people who have more crazy in their head then they do talent. Its addictive good fun and I encourage, no DEMAND you at least give it a shot. There are only 7 contestants left before we head over to NYC Fashion week where the winner will be announced. Please save yourself and me the trouble of scolding you later on for missing out on sheer brilliance.

Ok…Lost came back from the break a little weak, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t already be on board with this phenomenally addictive show. I mean, people! What does it take for you to appreciate art in its truest form?? Characters get killed off left and right. There are secrets upon secrets upon…well…secrets, I guess. There is also a black smoke type monster that eats people. And most importantly, it’s time slot couldn’t be any more perfect: Wednesday nights at 9pm on ABC. Did you read that right? Wednesday nights at 9pm oh whatever, just watch it and be amazed.

The newest and most obnoxious installment of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge on MTV is so fucking trashy and perfect, I’ve seen each episode a minimum of three times. It’s so embarrassing that Paul catches me quoting the lines from it when he’s cooking dinner. And it’s not even scripted TV. No one watches the show to see the actual challenges. We watch it because the people are out of their damn minds. They slap and claw and call each other “cunts”. And to me…on a lazy Saturday afternoon, that’s all I ask for out of a television show.

South Park is still one of THE most brilliant and offensive shows on television. I’m chomping at the bits to see what social issues they’ll tackle this time around – as if the Terri Schiavo case, Siamese twins, pedophilia, and NAMBLA (North American Man/Boy Love Association) weren’t enough. The thing about South Park is that the creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, push the envelope so far that you CAN’T get pissed off at them. Just pull the stick out of your ass, allow yourself to let in the funny, and go with it. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

Beyonce’s new song and video for “Check On It” is exactly why millions of people buy her music. She’s still fun, can actually sing and dance, and her songs are always catchy, ear candy. True, I enjoyed Destiny’s Child when they were going strong and surprising even myself, I was addicted to Beyonce’s solo album “Dangerously in Love”. Here’s to hoping that this chick has some hot tracks coming up in ’06 and here’s hoping that she will come to my next birthday party and sing “Bootylicious” in my honor.

Anderson Cooper is my main man. Has been for a very long time. But now that CNN has upgraded him to hot shit anchorman, I am in heaven! Obviously I love him mostly for his brilliant news coverage and natural charisma, but also, I LOVE his style, and his handsome face. I could stare at this cool drink of water all day long. His silver hair, his piercing eyes…the news has never been so much fun to watch. And like I said, his show is good too. Ha. He is on every Monday-Friday from 10pm-12am and his show is called “Anderson Cooper 360” (if I could figure out how to put the little degree symbol there, I totally would. Anything for my Anderson). Give him a shot and you might actually learn something about world politics while trying to figure out how to marry this fine man. P.S. – Rumor is that he could be gay. Oh God in Heaven Above…do me one favor and let me meet Anderson Cooper. I just KNOW that we would hit it off and he would ask me to move into his new penthouse apartment on West 38th Street.

Without going crazy over it, let me give one quick shout out to Medium, starring Patricia Arquette. The show doesn’t break any new ground, but for the last two seasons, I’ve been hoooooooooooked. The acting is wonderful, the stories are quick and concise (although wrapped up a little too easy sometimes), and it’s on at the PERFECT time of night. I mean, unless you’re out whoring yourself around town, what ARE you doing at 10pm on Monday? Tune to NBC and settle in for an easy, light, family drama.

Sure, everyone is going crazy ape shit over Brokeback Mountain and of course I can’t blame them. Finally a REAL gay movie that is making a difference in Middle America! But differences aside, get thee ass to the theater and see King Kong on the big screen while you still can. My God. I sat there in the theater with my jaw lying on the floor. The visual effects are absolutely mind-blowing, stunning, cutting edge, and they shocked my shit right to the core. Obviously you know that Kong has a rough go at the end of the movie and I would be lying if I said I DIDN’T tear up. How could a hot gay man like me fall in love with a big ass gorilla like Kong? Oh yeah…that’s not really a good example…I PREFER to date big ass gorillas. My bad. Just go fucking see this movie. Don’t wait for the DVD. I promise you it won’t have the same effect.

Now for the things I’m looking forward to in 2006:

Nip/Tuck - With plot lines like this, how could you NOT become a Julian McMahon addict!?! This shit is off the hook!
Superman Returns - cuz why not?
Playstation 3 - bring it ON!
Scary Movie 4 - Holy fucking shit this series of movies makes me CRY with laughter.
The DaVinci Code - please just be HALF as good as the book.
HBO’s Entourage - so obnoxious and so perfect.

Stay tuned for the crap that is NOT impressing me as of late. The L Word anyone? YAWNSVILLE!

More to cum…